[ navigate ] index [ mateys ]
|
[ Mom and money ] Sometimes I second-guess myself (sometimes???) about my decision to have zero contact with my mother. Especially since my aunt and I have become close and both of us have "sworn off" my mom. And especially now that my grandpa is gone and my mom is really pretty much all alone in the world. I feel guilty and wonder if I'm not just running away or avoiding the issue. Well, ok, running away and avoiding the issue is exactly what I'm doing, but I mean avoiding in a bad way. Dammit now he's nursing. It's so much harder to type all this out one-handed. Anyway. I wonder if I should try to make amends. I begin to forget the insanity and manipulation and mind-fucking. And I just finished reading Siblings Without Rivalry and at the end of the book, some of the people go back to talk to their parents about how they were raised. Now, of course I don't have any siblings but I wondered what would happen if I decided to try to talk to my mom. Just to tell her how I feel. I imagined the scene and my fantasy came crashing down. One cannot TALK to my mother. My mother is an expert at twisting things so you don't remember which way is up. I think I am particularly vulnerable to this since she raised me. I still don't know how to think for myself, dammit. So, no. It will never happen. And while it's painful every time I'm reminded of why I will never have my very own mother, it's also a huge relief to remember that it's not me being selfish. It's me protecting myself and my family. Sigh. Another thing that happens when people die is that you have to deal with all their stuff. And money. On the upside, and I'm trying REALLY hard not to count my chickens yet, my car might be paid off soon. With any luck. It was a weird loan through my grandparents' estate and now will have to be dealt with. I'm really hoping it works out. But then I also realize that every time we get some extra money, God humbles us by providing more expenses like higher rent, etc. So I'm just wondering what will happen there. I am hoping to finally invest in some health insurance. Then I can have these spots on my hand looked at and I can stop worrying they are melanoma. Or else I'll know they are melanoma in which case fuck it all. Katie do you still read this? I so need a doctor friend to put my mind at ease right now. But, yes. The other thing is... And I wish my aunt hadn't told me yet because now I'm thinking about it too much, LOL But if for some reason, my mom's inheritance makes her no longer elligible for disability the ineritance goes to me. And at first I thought... I don't care. Really I didn't. Money is SO not a big deal to me so long as I have enough of it to eat and pay bill and maybe have some entertainment money once in awhile. In fact, I don't really want to have TOO MUCH money ever because the more money I have, the more I eat fast food and hey. Like I need THAT, right? (We watched "Supersize Me" a couple weeks ago, finally.) But then it occurred to me sometime in the last day or so that if I had that money I could afford to send my kids to the Waldorf school. And it would all be worth it. And now I just.... I mean, gosh wouldn't it be great to have that opportunity? Sigh. And, yeah, I suppose that would suck for my mom, not getting "her" money. But, I'm sorry. I hardly give a shit when all she's going to do with it is use it to fuel her addictions. She'll drink it and smoke it away. And whatever else she'll addict herself to. I've heard lately it's $60/month in cable movies. So. No, I don't feel very much sorry for the thought of that. Sigh. Mental illness is.... awful. ... ransomed on 2005-08-13 at 1:16 p.m. [ older tales ] moving - 2005-08-23
|
